Almost on a daily basis, I get emails from wives who tell me that they feel pretty sure that they will "never, ever" get over the fact that their husband cheated and had an affair. They may well still love their husbands. They may be 100% committed to keeping their family together and staying in the marriage. But, they have resigned themselves to a life that is not everything that it can be, and to a marriage that is sort of just limping along and going through the motions because the wife can not let herself trust or go "all in" again.
Understandably, she's guarded and she's resentful. Sure, she's making the best of it for the sake of her family, but she doesn't believe that she'll ever be truly happy in her marriage again, and this is mostly because she can't "get over" the affair. I'm about to tell you something that I know from experience. You may not believe me right now, but I hope that you can at least keep this somewhere in the back of your mind. The truth is, you don't need to focus so much on semantics. You may not even "get over" the affair. But, you can create a new marriage that is somewhat separate from this issue. I will discuss this more in the following article.
You Can Make Your Own Rules After The Affair. You Don't Need To Follow Some One Else's Path: I can not tell you how often people write to me and tell me that they're sad to admit that their marriage is doomed after infidelity because they know that they "will never be able to forgive" or just can't see themselves "getting over it." Often they will say this before they've even made a complete attempt to do this. Sometimes, we just take our preconceived notions and hold onto them like a huge crutch.
But, let's say that this is true (even though I believe it rarely is.) Let's say that you can't forgive. Let's say that you're never able to get the affair completely out of your mind. If this is your case, you certainly are not alone. This is true of many people. But, people are able to work around this each and every day. You really can not just proclaim how you are going to feel tomorrow or next year. This is a process. Just because you're unable to forgive right now doesn't mean that you won't see this differently once you've done some things that will help you begin to heal.
Don't get too caught up on what you "should" do or feel. This is not a process that follows along one specific path. The really important thing is that you commit to keep moving forward no matter what is happening around you. So long as you vow that you're not going to let this squeeze out every ounce of happiness that you deserve, you will eventually make it and come to a place where you wake up one morning and know that you are going to be OK. Don't become frustrated if you're not feeling better as soon as you thought you might. This is a very difficult situation. If you are doing the best you can and are focusing on doing just a little bit better each and every day, then you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Why You Can't Just Decide To Get Over The Affair: I often have people tell me "OK, I've made up my mind. I'm going to forgive him. From this point on, I've decided that I'm going to 'get over it.'" Usually, I will hear from these same people a little while later and they feel like failures or they are frustrated because they are regressing back to their old feelings. They wonder why they can not just control their own feelings. They worry that they are doing something wrong or that they are not a good enough person to offer forgiveness.
Few of these things are true. It's just that they're trying to rush the process and they often have not begun to do the work that is necessary to begin the healing process. Many people (myself included) do not understand at first what they are going to need to be able to begin letting go of the anger. Often, you are going to need reassurance that this will not happen again. You will often want to understand what things lead up to this so that you can prevent them. And, you will need to work on your relationship with yourself (to restore your self esteem) and with your spouse so that you are building up the relationship rather than tearing it down.
In this eventual process, you will eventually realize that your relationship with your spouse is stronger partly because your relationship with yourself is stronger. Often, we just need some time to evaluate this when the feelings and emotions are not fresh and spinning out of control. It is usually only at this time are we able to remember the good things that do matter in the end. But, when you're angry, hurt, and betrayed, you're often just not able to see these things.
Don't feel pressured to "get over it" or to forgive if you just are not ready. You will know when you are, if that day comes. Until then, don't be so hard on yourself. Just vow to take care of yourself and to try to evaluate things with an eye toward healing rather than prolonging the hurt. Healing may mean that you decide to be alone or it might now. Whatever you decide, always evaluate things in terms of your own emotional health and what is right for you without apology.
Although it surprised me, what was right for me was sticking around and working things out. But, I worked on myself too and this made a huge difference. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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By Katie Lersch
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