Most people would say that they should try to talk over their differences and peacefully negotiate instead. So why do so many people say it is ok for couples to fight as long as they have a fair fight? That certainly sends the wrong message even though they might be using the word "fight" in a different way. We should be encouraging couples to negotiate instead of fight.
So, here are some points for negotiating a problem in your relationship.
# Wait until your temper is in control. If necessary, exercise, take a walk, work in the garden or do something that will help relieve the tension.
# Schedule a time and a place for the "peace talks" to take place. Make sure you have enough uninterrupted time to work through the issue. Pick a location that is peaceful and without distractions. Some people like to go to a restaurant or public place so they will be forced to not yell.
# Discuss the issue at hand. Don't wait until you have five or ten things that are upsetting you before you schedule a talk.
# The purposes of negotiations aren't to have your mate believe just as you do, but for them to understand your beliefs and feelings. People are different and that can be a good thing.
# Use "I" sentences to explain how you feel. For example "I feel hurt and neglected when you spend all Sunday with your golf buddies" instead of saying "you are a bad husband for always playing golf and ignoring me."
# Unlike fighting, in negotiations, no side has to come out "the winner." Both of you will win with deeper understanding and compassion for each other.
# Sometimes it is wise to compromise but other times it can cause resentment. Don't ask your sweetheart to give up golf just because he isn't spending enough time with you. Cut back, yes. Give up, no.
# If you find it helpful, write out your peace treaty and sign it.
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